by Leonie Ortgies
“My head is swimming. I can feel my heart pounding. My breath comes fast. It’s not that bad, I tell myself, over and over again. And on some level, I even know I’m right. But it doesn’t seem to matter. I feel so tired. My own body doesn’t feel like home. Why does every piece of clothing I own seem to constrict my chest and make it hard to breathe? Trying on so many clothes is exhausting. I wish so badly I hadn’t gained that weight and my clothes would still fit me right. This outfit is a little more relaxed, but does this look stupid now? Like I’m in my pajamas? This is so ridiculous, I know everybody at that party, I even like most of them and I’m pretty sure they all like me. They don’t care what I wear. But will I even be able to keep smiling and make small talk, I haven’t been to a party in over two years, I haven’t even hung out with more than three people at the same time. And I have to take the tram, stay on my feet the whole evening, dance, laugh, be friendly and happy. I don’t even know if I can keep up my attention span for longer than an hour. How I can feel so anxious and stressed over a simple, small birthday party? Am I the only person in the world who feels panic, social anxiety, self-doubt and shame over something so trivial?”
L., 27 years old, university student of gender studies
“Lost deep in thought, as I always get after therapy, I am walking home as I have a hundred times before. Suddenly, something feels different, though. I keep walking straight ahead but center my attention on my surroundings. Everything seems fine, but I can’t get rid of this nagging feeling like someone is watching me. I try to cast a casual look over my shoulder. There! There is someone walking behind me. For how long? I can feel my whole body start to stiffen, but I force myself to keep up the relaxed walk, even though everything inside of me is screaming at me to pick up the pace. On high alert now, I automatically scan the street ahead of me, evaluate the buildings for a place to run to, is there anybody else around? Where are my keys, what else do I have in my bag, did I grab the pepper spray this morning, what did they teach us in self-defense class, walk upright, look confident, you’re not scared–. What the hell? What is wrong with me? Don’t be so paranoid, why do you always see the potential threat first, come on. I mean, is this even justified? Am I judging this whole situation wrong? Maybe that person is just going in the same direction, that doesn’t have to mean anything. Shit, I always do this, I feel like all the isolation during the pandemic has set me back to the confidence and the knowledge of human nature of my 19-year-old self, or the lack there of. I didn’t used to be so bad at judging and navigating social situations. What happened to me?”
A., 28 years old, training to be a kindergarten teacher
“Slightly out of breath, I arrive at the lake and attach the lock of my bike to a nearby tree. It is such a beautiful day; I can’t wait to jump into the water! I put my blanket down, take off my shoes and get my towel out. For a second, I simply enjoy the feeling of the cool grass underneath my bare feet. As I move to take off my clothes, I get weary in an instant. I hesitate. In a moment, everybody will be looking at me. And I know I’m not just imagining that, because I know I do the same thing to other people, watching them and and comparing their bodies to mine. They’re gonna see my love handles and the cellulite on my legs I could never get rid of. Wistfully, I think about the body of my 21-year-old self, so fit, so free of wrinkles. I look at the people around me and ask myself, why can’t I look that slim and fit, did I really have to eat that whole box of candy last night, why can’t I for once manage to stick to my workouts? I hope my hair isn’t looking too greasy. I was in such a rush this morning, I didn’t have time to wash my hair, I don’t want to look like I don’t have my shit together–. Just in time, I notice the bad direction my thoughts are heading and try to remind myself, why I actually came to the lake. I wanted to enjoy myself and relax. It’s okay and understandable for these thoughts to come up, but I don’t want to give them too much power. I start thinking about all the progress I have made, being able to remind myself that these negative thoughts are just insecurities. They don’t actually have anything to do with how I see myself. I manage to calm myself down, undress and sit down on my blanket. When I reach for my bag to get a sip of water, I catch myself quickly checking, when I last shaved my legs. Thank goodness, they’re still fine, not perfect, but fine.”
T., 29 years old, social worker
“You’re overreacting. How often have I heard this sentence? This accusation. This assumption to understand my feelings better than myself. Don’t I have a right to feel angry? Isn’t it good and healthy not to bury it? Would you say something like that to your friends? I can’t even describe how much that pisses me off. Why couldn’t you have said something like, I feel like you are very angry, I don’t really understand why, can you explain it to me? Is that too much to ask?
Or were you right? Was I overreacting? Am I being too sensitive about that word? Maybe my reaction wasn’t completely reasonable. But being the only two residents on this deserted island for what felt like an eternity, I have had to swallow a lot of feelings, a lot of anger, frustration, loneliness. And guilt over feeling lonely, frustrated and angry with you, because I love you, but I just couldn’t help feeling this way. This lockdown has really tested me and you, I felt like I had to prioritize your well-being over my own, because you were struggling more. And I would never judge you for that, but it’s been hard for me too and I have had to carry a lot of the weight by myself. Not knowing how long this situation would last, I felt like I had to accept it and find ways to survive, like I couldn’t afford to feel this bad. It’s been so silent, no distractions, no balance, no purpose, locked in with my own thoughts. I’ve certainly learned the hard way how important it is to communicate my feelings, how burying them can cause serious damage without me even noticing it, before it is too late. I learned that my feelings are just as important as yours and I don’t do either of us any favors by not voicing them.
But that’s in the past. Now my life can finally begin again, my mind breaking free of all the strain of the past months. If you told me now I was overreacting, I think I would act differently.”
A., 27 years old, university student of art history
The Project
In this project, I explore similarities between the experiences of social pressure among women during the ‘re-opening phase’ of the COVID-19 pandemic, investigating if this pressure is directly connected to gender or the perceived expectations linked with gender.
The pandemic was a time of isolation for many people, social interactions (especially in groups) were considered risky, irresponsible and to be mostly avoided. For many people it was a drastic change spending so much time alone or with only a few social contacts. People had to learn and become accustomed to different methods to stay in contact with friends and family like social media, video calls etc. Now, coming out of (at least the legal restrictions) of the pandemic, many people may feel that they are expected to behave and live exactly the way as before, but many may struggle to do so.
Considering Judith Butler’s theory of gender performativity, it raises the question what role gender plays in the social pressure experienced during the re-opening phase of the pandemic. Butler suggests that we are not born with a certain gender, but rather that we learn how to perform gender from the moment we are born, based on gender-specific behavioral expectations. Whether rejecting these expectations or trying to live up to them, they can cause people to experience social pressure. They can cause stress, anxiety and actual pain.
The question is, what consequences arise after a phase of social seclusion to alienation and an unlearning of previous social practices?
I conducted interviews with women from my close circle of friends and asked them about their experiences with social pressure and social anxiety. I asked them about specific situations, about their feelings and observations and if they saw a connection of these experiences to their gender. Inspired by these recollections, I wrote four short stories in gender-non-revealing language, one of them from my own perspective, the others based on the interviews. The use of gender-non-revealing language means to make it easier for more people to identify with the protagonists and not (perhaps subconsciously) build up a certain distance when realizing the narrator identifies with a different gender than the reader. Showing the unique experiences these women make, I give readers insight into perspectives they otherwise might not have access to.
The interviews with four different women showed that they are struggling with many problems they were already struggling with before the pandemic. Some problems seemed to have escalated due to the long periods of isolation caused by the pandemic. Above all, the participants described questioning their own feelings or their judgment of social situations. Rarely participating in social events led to a perceived lack of practice and heightened feelings of insecurity.
However, differences in experience could be observed between the women as well, due to different job and life situations. T. didn’t experience the pandemic as isolating as the other participants, because her day-to-day life as a social worker continued almost exactly as before. She still met friends and family and was generally more impacted by stores being closed than by social isolation. A. on the other hand spent a long time confined to her apartment with her boyfriend, which caused a lot of psychological pressure and stress for her. L. also felt very insecure about a social gathering, because she hadn’t been part of one in years.
This project has certainly affected me on a personal level. I could personally relate to every story I was told by the participants, and I enjoyed seeing participants relating to each other’s stories as well. It was a relief to learn that many of the issues I have been experiencing were shared by other women as well. I believe that social pressure and the stress it causes is an important topic to talk about. It has a significant impact on a political and societal level, as people may struggle a lot more with conditions at their workplace and during everyday interactions after the pandemic. As a society we need to acknowledge the changes we have went through and address them through policy and changes to social habits. As A. described, we can learn to communicate more openly about feelings and psychological pressure, be it within our private relationships or at the workplace. The pandemic has drawn more attention to how important emotional and mental health are in our personal and professional lives. This realization has to be followed by possibilities to fit the way we work and interact with each other to our individual needs to help reduce stress and social pressure. The interviews done for this project could serve as a basis for further research like exploring whether questioning one’s feelings, body image issues or social insecurity affect people the same way across genders. It could also be interesting to further research the effect of the pandemic on social pressure by interviewing people of different gender identities.
Life Writing can be a valuable tool to draw attention to political issues like these by reaching a broad audience on a personal level. With these short stories I hope to contribute to the conversation by sharing recollections of what people are struggling with.